


Does it still hurt?

by emptymasks



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: -kinda, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, EDIT: this was written mid-season 1 before anything about Lorca or Ash had been revealed, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, POV Ash Tyler, POV First Person, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Past Violence, Poetry, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, i see this now as being prime lorca and ash but if you want to read it as mirror lorca you can, kind if a fic kind of a poem, that is consensual and with Lorca and is only implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 10:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13246716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emptymasks/pseuds/emptymasks
Summary: Q: Does it still hurt?A: I am almost at my room when he stops me. I turn to look at him as I straighten my back. My new captain, my saviour. He questions me and when I say I need a break from the mess hall he looks me up and down and then asks (orders) me to follow him.///Ash adjusts to the Discovery, tried to heal, and gets close to a certain captain





	Does it still hurt?

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: When I close my eyes, I see _her_. _Her_. The images flash behind my eyelids like some macabre zoetrope. She reaches for me; pushes and pulls and tears at my skin and I know, _I know_ that it’s not real, that she’s not really here… but it doesn’t help. Every time I close my eyes she’s there. And I can’t sleep with my eyes open.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: Her name is acid corroding my throat and when I hear others speak it I almost want to rip off my ears. When people pass me I hear the burning brontide that leaks out of their mouths. Can I blame them? I am a stranger in their home. They don’t know how I survived my capture, and I don’t think they really want to.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: I awake in fevers and agues. The sheets of the bed are stuck to my back and the feeling of a soft mattress is still foreign to me. I am thankful they put me in a room on my own, and the walls here are thick enough that no one seems to hear my screams.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: The lights on the Discovery are bright and my eyes strain to see through them. Everywhere seems too bright. I try to eat in the mess hall, but all I can feel are the stares and the whispers. I start to lose myself in trying the decipher them and remembering how to breathe at the same time… And then I see movement out of the corner of my eye. I come back to myself as I see Tilly has moved her hand. It now sits close to my arm, but she doesn’t try and touch me. I look at her and I can’t tell her how much it means to me that she knew not to try and touch me. And I look across from her and Michael looks at me, concerned. She is used to hiding her emotions, I learnt that quickly, but her concern is evident and unexpected and… kind.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: Tilly asks me if I want to try eating somewhere quieter. She’s far too astute and ebullient. I smile and return to room and am pleased that it doesn’t completely feel like I'm retreating. The ship’s corridors are so empty this late and I don’t know if I find them peaceful or eerie. Am I walking through a museum or a ghost town? The silence is welcome, but it leaves the sound in my head seeming suddenly louder.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: I am almost at my room when he stops me. I turn to look at him as I straighten my back. My new captain, my saviour. He questions me and when I say I need a break from the mess hall he looks me up and down and then asks (orders) me to follow him.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: I sit across from him in his quarters as we eat. What do I say to him? How do I talk to him? Should I even be talking to him? Will I just bother him? Why did he even invite me in here in the first place? I don’t deserve-. He starts talking. It sees normal. Nothing feels forced. I make a few, maybe too smart-assed, comments. I expect him to throw me out. He quirks an eyebrow and I could swear he almost smirks.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: And it comes back. Of course it does. One sentence leads to another and he starts to ask questions and I break. My elbows dig into the table as I lower my head so my hands can catch it. My fingers start pulling at my hair and the sobs start and I sound pathetic. And I just lose it, right in front of him.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: His chair scrapes against the floor and somehow he’s next to me. I can feel his hand hovering above my shoulder and I want to lean into it, but then I’ll seem more desperate and I can’t ask him to touch me because he’s my captain. He’s the only person who’s touched me since _them_ , since _her_. When he hauled me to my feet and half carried me to salvation. A whine escapes my mouth and his hand gently brushes my shirt and I lean back. I pull my hands away from my head and I want to reach for him, but I dig my nails into my palms and it hurts but he pulls me and I end up crying into his shoulder. _Easy, son. You’re safe now. They can’t get you here._ And somehow I leave his room in one piece (and with a regular appointment to see the ship’s therapist). That nights sleep is still terrible, but it’s that best one I’ve had in months.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: Dinner with him in his quarters somehow becomes a regular thing. And so does me crying in his arms. He keeps asking the questions, but I know it’s him being tough. It’s him wanting me to get better. And seeing him wanting me to get better… makes _me_ want to get better.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: Time starts to pass normally again. I have a job and a schedule. I have friends, and I have… whatever Captain Lorca and I are.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: Of course I still have bad days. Of course everything crumbles down and I start to lose myself again and I find myself not wanting to put myself back together. But it doesn’t matter because there are others who will put one piece in place and it makes fitting the rest of them in seem so much easier.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: We were stood in his quarters, staring out into the endless void. It’s despair and beauty, but I didn’t want to look at it because it didn’t compare to him. He catches me looking at him and every single star is reflected in those broken eyes. We were already stood so close to one another. _Ash._ The first time he says he name. He says it like a warning. It could mean we can’t do this because ‘I’m your captain’ or ‘you’re too young’ or ‘you’re not ready’ or... ‘I’m not worth it’. I recognise it because I’ve seen it so many times in myself. I step forward and he doesn’t step backwards. I shakily draw a breath and when I breathe out I say his name. I wait for him to reprimand me, but he doesn’t. We stand there. I imagine how we must look, barely illuminated against the universe. I don’t know which of us leans forward to close the gap between us first.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: I wake up in my bed and I feel rested. On my way to the bridge I pass Tilly and we exchange light conversation and her energy is as infectious as always. I trade sarcastic comments with Michael throughout the day and try not to stare at the captain’s chair too much. Michael see’s my eyes shifting towards him every now and then and she does that annoying thing where she quirk’s her eyebrow up as if in confusion even though she knows exactly what’s going on. I eat lunch with Michael and Tilly in mess hall and then it’s back to the bridge. At the end of my shift I sometimes have therapy, and when I don’t I find things to pass the time. And sometimes in this bit of free time the darkness seeps in. And sometimes it doesn’t. Later, I eat dinner with him and hide his PADD and grin while he pretends to be annoyed with me. I detangle myself from his sheets and his arms and find my clothes. Sleeping in the same bed still isn’t the smartest move. We want to, but we neither of us want to keep each other awake all night, or want to hurt each other. He grumbles, and I leave to return to my room, and being alone doesn’t feel like solitude. I want to live forever in this perihelion, with him, my sun.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: Yes. But the good days are slowly becoming more frequent than the bad days.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: Yes. But I have people who care enough to help me.

Q: Does it still hurt?

A: Yes. But it doesn’t control or define me.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a long time coming. I’ve been wanting to write about these two since ‘Choose Your Pain’, but I’ve never had the right inspiration. I was very inspired by ‘The Pull of the Light’ by areyouarealmonster. I wanted to write as soon as I finished the first chapter, but didn’t have the time, and I’ve been trying to get the motivation back and I’ve felt kind of grey today, and writing is always therapeutic for me, and I just sat down and this came out.


End file.
